January 2011
I sat on the edge of the toilet seat praying that the stick I
was looking at would reveal to me a single line and not a double line. In my
heart, I hoped and prayed that I wouldn’t be labeled a “baby mama” especially
since, I didn’t take the time to Really know this guy. What was he going to
say? Would he want to take our relationship further? Was it true that he did
want me to be his wife like he told me? I didn’t know what to think. I was so
freaked out. I looked down at the stick after the longest 2 minutes of my life.
In 2 minutes my life had completely changed, I was going to be a mother to a
life I didn’t think I was ready for. As the tears fell like a well from my
eyes, massive amounts of thoughts ran through my head? Was I ready? Why is this
happening? Why didn’t I just stay where I was that night? Why did I have to go
looking to be with someone? I shouldn’t have let loneliness get the best of me.
How the hell am I going to take care of a baby?! I don’t even like kids! Someone
needed the bathroom so I had to get out, I washed my face, dried my tears and
went out the bathroom.
Still dazed and confused I searched online for a possible
mistake. This stick had to be wrong, maybe I was too anxious. Yeah that’s it, I’m
too anxious and my body thinks it’s pregnant. I scheduled a doctor’s
appointment to get a “real” answer. After work I rushed to the doctor’s office
praying the entire time, hoping that my repentance would get me out of this. After
being tested for the 3rd time that day, the nurse came back with the
results I dreaded in my heart, “you’re pregnant, congratulations"! I hated that
nurse. I was furious, those weren’t the words I wanted to hear, and those weren’t
happy words to my ears. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to scream, cry, fight,
curse everything to undo what I had done. My choices had finally caught up to
me and I didn’t know how to handle them. My doctor came in, interrupted my
thoughts and asked “so what are you going to do?” before my thoughts could
catch up with my mouth I blurted out, “I’m going to keep it”. WHAT! Takima what
do you know about raising kids, you can barely raise yourself, let alone a
baby! My doctor scheduled me my next appointments and I was on my way. What was
I going to do, I have a little person growing in my belly and I don’t know how I
am going to raise her/him, how I am going to love her/him. I called my sister,
who reminded me of a conversation we had a year prior. I was telling her that I
didn’t like children and I don’t think I am meant to be a mother, she said to
me “Takima, be careful what you say because God will give you exactly what you
need to do what you are supposed to do. You have everything already inside of
you, when the time comes you will know what to do”. I disregarded it because I thought
to myself, I know what I like and do not like and children was one of them. Now
with this life force growing inside of me, I knew my life would take a turn
that I had no idea how to maneuver.
September 2011
I looked at the little face that looked back at me, doesn’t really
look like me, but she came from me. She is a piece of me, she is me. I stared
at her for hours. As I lay in the hospital bed trying to figure out how I was
going to love her and bond with her I cried. I felt so hopeless, I felt like I didn’t
deserve such a perfect life, I was sure I would mess it up. Out of all the
times, I screwed up and screwed around why would God choose Now to give me this
life. I was not at my best, I didn’t do the right thing and worse of all, her
dad was not there and had not been there for the entire pregnancy. The last
month he went to 3 appointments but he did not show up for her birth. I was so
crushed and hurt because I knew that would be a precursor to what her life
would be like, fatherless, like mine. I wanted to different for my child, so I already
messed up. How could I right my wrongs for her, I would continuously play catch
up. Trying to figure out my own life while trying to develop hers, “God IM NOT
READY!!!” I screamed inside as tears rolled down my face. My first month with
her was torture for me, I experienced the worse kind of post-partum and I felt
like everything I did was wrong and even though she was brand new in the world,
I felt like she hated me. I couldn’t connect with her, I couldn’t breastfeed,
she wouldn’t latch on, I was so anxious about everything, I didn’t sleep, and I
just felt like a complete failure as a mother, this went on for about a year
and a half. I was afraid that something was going to happen so much so that I dreamed
about ACS coming to take her away. I considered putting her up for adoption
just so I could get my bearings and understand exactly what happened to my
life. Apart of me knew that would have been a mistake but at the time, I felt
like there was nothing I could do for her and frankly I didn’t truly want her
because I was not okay with my new role, as mother.
Present Day: 2014
My daughter is now a Very vibrant, expressive, Very vocal,
active, 2 year old. She is the epitome of a my inner self. She is strong
willed, determined and just plan herself with me mixed inside of her. When I look
at her I see all the things in myself that I thought I knew but really I didn’t.
she is daring, she is a risk-taker and she doesn’t like to be told no. Just
recently I had experienced somethings, which brought me back to when I first
had her. Although things in my life has somewhat calmed, I am still struggling
with the fact of being a mother, a single mother or in my head a single young
woman who is also a mother. Very tough concept to grasp for me. I watch and see
my peers or younger versions of myself that go and come as they please because
they have no children and I often think of how carefree I used to be and live. Things
I desire to do I cannot do as freely, things have to be planned out, money has
to be more closely accounted for, I am forced to be more responsible, although
those are All great things, it just came on so fast and its taking some time
for me to process this transition. I often look at other young single
mothers/fathers who seem to be delighted to be in their role. I do not envy
them but I wonder what it took for them to fall so seamlessly in the role and
why I am having such a hard time. Then I also think about if I am the only one
who feels the way I feel. I love my daughter, I just have a hard time
connecting with the fact that this is how my life is now and she is relying on
me to take care of her. I have to do things for her, its not about me anymore. Yes
I recognize this may be a self-fish thought, but it is my truth, and I am sure
there are others who feel the way I feel but are afraid to speak out because
they are too, afraid to be judged. There are days when I leave work and I want
to just sit in my apartment, and be quiet, they will never happen again. She wants
my attention and whether I want to give it to her or not, I do because that is
what is required, as a mother. I reached out to another single mother who is a
friend of mine and shared how I felt with her. She reminded me although it is
normal to have feelings like, this I must get to the root of struggling with
being a mother. After doing some searching this is what I found:
1.
I miss my freedom, my carefree nature, no
thinking and just doing not having to be on a schedule and go and come as I please.
Lesson: I am a woman of God and if my Father does everything in decency and
order, I need to get my life in order the same way. My child needs structure
and order, and although I liked that life, that’s not how God wants me to live.
2.
I miss being able to spend my money the way I wanted
to. I could buy what I wanted, when I wanted and go when I wanted. Lesson:
truth be told, I wasn’t a good steward of what God gave me. I would pay my
bills but when I wanted to, or shop when I needed other things. Now I cannot do
that, I have to think of making sure I have a shelter, food, and necessities
met before anything else is done.
3.
Being a mom was scary to me because I have two
mothers (that will be in another post soon). From one I was taken care of, all
my necessities but not so much emotionally and the other I didn’t know too well
because she couldn’t take care of me, so I am afraid I won’t know how to raise
my daughter, I don’t know what to do with her, how to love her properly. Lesson:
No one gets it right the first time or ever (so I have been told). That is where
God comes in, He fills the gaps. He Will Be A….
4.
I cannot give out of what I do not have. Being a
mother at 28 was scary, I was almost out of my 20’s and I was still trying to
figure me out. Now I have to do that AND be responsible for a new life? How does
that work. I have so many broken pieces in me, how can I give to my daughter, I
need to be fixed, healed, put together. Lesson: it is out of our pain and brokenness
that we are built stronger, wiser, and more compassionate. I am learning about
Surrender. Surrender to the process, Surrender of my Will, Surrender of what my
life is now, and even though it is not easy every day I am realizing, every day
when I put down something I feel lighter, more clear, and more focused.
5.
I don’t believe in Me. I have a bad habit of
looking around instead of looking within. I learned that this week. I always
said I don’t like kids, I cannot relate to kids; I would never be a mother. Now
that I am a mother, I am forced to change my own perceptions of myself. Lesson:
the very thing you are afraid of WILL HAPPEN, so understand that YOU can do ALL
THINGS through Christ who gives you strength, and if you do not have Christ, let’s
talk J
I hope this story encouraged someone, inspired a single
mother to continue on and be the best Woman you can be so that you can be the
Best Mother you can be. There is NOTHING wrong with feeling inadequate, alone,
anxious, afraid, angry, Feel those things, It Happens! The best thing is to not
STAY in those feelings. It won’t help you and it won’t help your child. I know it’s
hard; it can be frustrating and the transitioning from Single Woman to Single Mother
but know you are not on this journey
alone! I encourage you to comment and even share your story!
Until Next Time,
Signed One SXSI Lady
