"She Proposed"?

In the age of the "Independent Woman", "Phenomenal Woman", "Boss Lady", I am beginning to wonder if we have over stepped boundaries. This past weekend I have encountered a heavily detailed discussion regarding whether a man should pursue a woman who prefers to be "wined and dined" rather than cooking at home. My personal view on that discussion is that in this generation; men don't want to have to come out of pocket on dates and such and don't want to invest in building a committed relationship. However they prefer a woman to be that "independent woman" and Pay for them, Cook for them and Enjoy the perks of committed relationship with no personal investment. In light of this mind-frame that some females have bought into, these same females are taking matters further into their own hands and have decided "if we are going this far (paying for meals, taking care of our men, I love him, he loves me then why don't I just propose to keep the ball rolling, because he will never do it". A sad case of events, isn't it?

While I can understand why this is can be an option and somewhat of a last resort for some women, I on the other hand am not in agreement with this decision at all. One mainly because of my own personal views and mindset of the order of God. I am in agreement that women can run companies, be CEO's, have their own business but the start and building of the foundation for the family unit, that process must and should begin with the man and that is his pursuit of "Finding" Engaging and Marrying his Chosen wife. This SHOULD Not be up to the woman. A man is a man and by nature men go after what he wants, when he wants it. If he is a man and  has "dated"a woman for an extended period of time ( more than 2 years) and has not proposed, he either:
1. Does not see the woman as marriage material
2. Is weighing his options to see if she could "possibly" be "The One" but he isn't sold on her
3. Doesn't feel the need to marry the woman because she is already giving him everything a wife would so he doesn't feel the need to marry her. With these factors in place some women have taken it upon themselves to "hurry" the process and propose themselves. What these women do not realize is that they are taken the man's natural right of pursuit and have stepped into their role as the man.

The bible is Direct in stating that " He who finds a Wife, Finds a Good thing and Favor in the Sight of God" (Proverbs 18:22) As a woman who doesn't want to be seen as a "Good Thang"? When a man finds a woman he is obtaining Favor from God because of that woman. I don't know how many of you are familiar with the favor of God, so let me explain.  There is a phrase that Christians say, "Favor ain't Fair". Favor is having something that you should not have gotten but because God has blessed you and anointed you, you have access to it. That's another key word, "access". When women propose it is giving a man access to you without having sought you out. A friend of mine ( male) once said, "don't be so quick to drop your panties for a man who would rather take them off you slowly because he worked for it". The best advice I've ever gotten. When we pursue a man to propose we are giving up our role as women and the man cannot step up and take on his rightful role as a leader. As Christians our example is Christ and He pursues our hearts as His bride and we love Him in return for loving us, so the same is the man who finds us should pursue us the same. If we propose we are breaking that order. The same with society, that is how it was. The man sought a woman, pursued her, married her and then "bedded" her or in other words had sex and that is how it was.

Women of this new generation. It it okay to be in charge, to be the boss but let's not take it ALL away from the man. We should not HAVE to do it all AND propose. Lets bask in the glory of being women and remain treasures that need to be found. Lets enjoy being swept off our feet, being joined together with our Mr.Right and let Him decide that we Are the Mrs. Right and Only Woman for him and he is willing to forsake all other for Our hand.

You are a Diamond, a best kept treasure until its your time to be on display! Until next time, Be You, Stay True and Live SXSI!

Signed
One SXSI Lady

Transitions of Life Pt.1

I know its been a while since I have written but I have taken somewhat of a break for the summer months and I have been in a period of Transition and Rebuilding. It has been a lot of shedding that has taken place in my life in these last 2 months. Uncomfortable shedding to say the least. I have endured some painful blows, so painful I did not think I would come back from it. It really sent me to a place that I thought I could not recoup from. Let me give you an example:

I started working at a job in November 2013. Getting this job was a shock and a miracle at the same time. I was not looking for a job because I had it in my mind that I was going to "do my OWN thing" and be an entrepreneur and make a lot of money on MY OWN. While I am still an entrepreneur, I realized that there is a process to it and a time of preparation and people DO NOT make money overnight, contrary to popular belief. Once I realized that I accepted the job and began to go through my transition process I quickly realized I was NOT CEO material and I had some learning, growing and developing to do. You see I thought I had all the answers and if I just "did my thing" everything would work out. No, a couple of ground rules in wanting to be in business for yourself:
1. Know Your Flaws, Own them and Work On Them! That is something I did not do prior. One of the things I recognizes through this job is that I had a serious habit of procrastinating which KILLS productivity!
2. Understand who you are trying to reach and research what you want to do. Sorry to break it to some of you but you are NOT the only one who wants to do or IS doing what you want to do. Know your Industry and stand out. I was Completely frustrated with the fact that there were so many people who want to empower young women. I almost let go of the dream but God had to redirect my focus. I soon found that there is room for everyone and their purpose, you just have to know your role, stay in your lane and move forward!
3. Delay is NOT Denial!!!!! I Cannot stress this enough! I struggled because I felt like, now I am at a job, how the heck am I going to be in business for myself, this is delaying the process, blah, blah, blah!!! NO!!! If you are thinking like that STOP IT NOW!!!!! There is a reason for you have not begun or started what you are wanting to start, there is something you need to learn, an area you need to go in before you can go full force! Trust me, its better to be prepared than to go out there and you are Not together! I am not saying you have to be Perfect but there are Basic Self Development skills you must have and learn and it takes time, so Be patient with yourself! As my Master Coach taught me, You can only go as fast as the slowest part of yourself ( That will click in a moment).

So once I understood my reason for having to go to work, I began to develop parts of me that would be necessary for having my own business. I began networking, meeting people, putting myself on a schedule, and it started to show me that I would have been chewed up in the world I was going into.

Many of us, have been in a season of transition. The transition may have been in a relationship, work, school related, with our children. Transitioning brings about anxiety at times, not knowing what the next step is or knowing what the next step is but not wanting to go out and make the change necessary to go to the next level in life. One suggestion I can make is, being honest with your place of current reality. Looking at your transition placement and knowing where you want to go. In other words here are some tips for transition:
1. Look at your current reality, assess the changes needed, Embrace the change that Will take place
2. Know where you want to go and devise a plan to get there, if you need help, I am HERE!!!! :)
(I will put my info at the end of this posting)
3. If you feel stuck, take a breath, reevaluate your position and course correct if necessary
4. Work towards moving forward in a pace that is comfortable FOR YOU! Some people tend to think transition needs to happen when other people say it does, NO! Your life if your life and your process is YOUR process! We live on God's time Not Ours!
5. Be Patient with Your Process! Change is Constant and Inevitable! Transitions help us grow, be better, do better and Live Free!

I hope you were Inspired, Encouraged and Impacted to Move! If you want to learn more or need help in making steps to transition, or feel stuck, Please email me at thowze83@gmail.com or comment on the post with your email address and I will GLADLY get back to you to see how I may serve you! I enjoy sharing my life and being transparent, My life isn't my own and if I can help someone, I have done my duty!

Until Next Time, Be You, Stay True, Live SXSI!

Takima
Creator/Founder
Integrity/Lifestyle Coach
SXSI-She Xercises Self Integrity

Single Woman to Single Mother?

January 2011

I sat on the edge of the toilet seat praying that the stick I was looking at would reveal to me a single line and not a double line. In my heart, I hoped and prayed that I wouldn’t be labeled a “baby mama” especially since, I didn’t take the time to Really know this guy. What was he going to say? Would he want to take our relationship further? Was it true that he did want me to be his wife like he told me? I didn’t know what to think. I was so freaked out. I looked down at the stick after the longest 2 minutes of my life. In 2 minutes my life had completely changed, I was going to be a mother to a life I didn’t think I was ready for. As the tears fell like a well from my eyes, massive amounts of thoughts ran through my head? Was I ready? Why is this happening? Why didn’t I just stay where I was that night? Why did I have to go looking to be with someone? I shouldn’t have let loneliness get the best of me. How the hell am I going to take care of a baby?! I don’t even like kids! Someone needed the bathroom so I had to get out, I washed my face, dried my tears and went out the bathroom.

Still dazed and confused I searched online for a possible mistake. This stick had to be wrong, maybe I was too anxious. Yeah that’s it, I’m too anxious and my body thinks it’s pregnant. I scheduled a doctor’s appointment to get a “real” answer. After work I rushed to the doctor’s office praying the entire time, hoping that my repentance would get me out of this. After being tested for the 3^rd time that day, the nurse came back with the results I dreaded in my heart, “you’re pregnant, congratulations"! I hated that nurse. I was furious, those weren’t the words I wanted to hear, and those weren’t happy words to my ears. I didn’t know what to do, I wanted to scream, cry, fight, curse everything to undo what I had done. My choices had finally caught up to me and I didn’t know how to handle them. My doctor came in, interrupted my thoughts and asked “so what are you going to do?” before my thoughts could catch up with my mouth I blurted out, “I’m going to keep it”. WHAT! Takima what do you know about raising kids, you can barely raise yourself, let alone a baby! My doctor scheduled me my next appointments and I was on my way. What was I going to do, I have a little person growing in my belly and I don’t know how I am going to raise her/him, how I am going to love her/him. I called my sister, who reminded me of a conversation we had a year prior. I was telling her that I didn’t like children and I don’t think I am meant to be a mother, she said to me “Takima, be careful what you say because God will give you exactly what you need to do what you are supposed to do. You have everything already inside of you, when the time comes you will know what to do”. I disregarded it because I thought to myself, I know what I like and do not like and children was one of them. Now with this life force growing inside of me, I knew my life would take a turn that I had no idea how to maneuver.

September 2011

I looked at the little face that looked back at me, doesn’t really look like me, but she came from me. She is a piece of me, she is me. I stared at her for hours. As I lay in the hospital bed trying to figure out how I was going to love her and bond with her I cried. I felt so hopeless, I felt like I didn’t deserve such a perfect life, I was sure I would mess it up. Out of all the times, I screwed up and screwed around why would God choose Now to give me this life. I was not at my best, I didn’t do the right thing and worse of all, her dad was not there and had not been there for the entire pregnancy. The last month he went to 3 appointments but he did not show up for her birth. I was so crushed and hurt because I knew that would be a precursor to what her life would be like, fatherless, like mine. I wanted to different for my child, so I already messed up. How could I right my wrongs for her, I would continuously play catch up. Trying to figure out my own life while trying to develop hers, “God IM NOT READY!!!” I screamed inside as tears rolled down my face. My first month with her was torture for me, I experienced the worse kind of post-partum and I felt like everything I did was wrong and even though she was brand new in the world, I felt like she hated me. I couldn’t connect with her, I couldn’t breastfeed, she wouldn’t latch on, I was so anxious about everything, I didn’t sleep, and I just felt like a complete failure as a mother, this went on for about a year and a half. I was afraid that something was going to happen so much so that I dreamed about ACS coming to take her away. I considered putting her up for adoption just so I could get my bearings and understand exactly what happened to my life. Apart of me knew that would have been a mistake but at the time, I felt like there was nothing I could do for her and frankly I didn’t truly want her because I was not okay with my new role, as mother.

Present Day: 2014

My daughter is now a Very vibrant, expressive, Very vocal, active, 2 year old. She is the epitome of a my inner self. She is strong willed, determined and just plan herself with me mixed inside of her. When I look at her I see all the things in myself that I thought I knew but really I didn’t. she is daring, she is a risk-taker and she doesn’t like to be told no. Just recently I had experienced somethings, which brought me back to when I first had her. Although things in my life has somewhat calmed, I am still struggling with the fact of being a mother, a single mother or in my head a single young woman who is also a mother. Very tough concept to grasp for me. I watch and see my peers or younger versions of myself that go and come as they please because they have no children and I often think of how carefree I used to be and live. Things I desire to do I cannot do as freely, things have to be planned out, money has to be more closely accounted for, I am forced to be more responsible, although those are All great things, it just came on so fast and its taking some time for me to process this transition. I often look at other young single mothers/fathers who seem to be delighted to be in their role. I do not envy them but I wonder what it took for them to fall so seamlessly in the role and why I am having such a hard time. Then I also think about if I am the only one who feels the way I feel. I love my daughter, I just have a hard time connecting with the fact that this is how my life is now and she is relying on me to take care of her. I have to do things for her, its not about me anymore. Yes I recognize this may be a self-fish thought, but it is my truth, and I am sure there are others who feel the way I feel but are afraid to speak out because they are too, afraid to be judged. There are days when I leave work and I want to just sit in my apartment, and be quiet, they will never happen again. She wants my attention and whether I want to give it to her or not, I do because that is what is required, as a mother. I reached out to another single mother who is a friend of mine and shared how I felt with her. She reminded me although it is normal to have feelings like, this I must get to the root of struggling with being a mother. After doing some searching this is what I found:

1.       I miss my freedom, my carefree nature, no thinking and just doing not having to be on a schedule and go and come as I please. Lesson: I am a woman of God and if my Father does everything in decency and order, I need to get my life in order the same way. My child needs structure and order, and although I liked that life, that’s not how God wants me to live.

2.       I miss being able to spend my money the way I wanted to. I could buy what I wanted, when I wanted and go when I wanted. Lesson: truth be told, I wasn’t a good steward of what God gave me. I would pay my bills but when I wanted to, or shop when I needed other things. Now I cannot do that, I have to think of making sure I have a shelter, food, and necessities met before anything else is done.  

3.       Being a mom was scary to me because I have two mothers (that will be in another post soon). From one I was taken care of, all my necessities but not so much emotionally and the other I didn’t know too well because she couldn’t take care of me, so I am afraid I won’t know how to raise my daughter, I don’t know what to do with her, how to love her properly. Lesson: No one gets it right the first time or ever (so I have been told). That is where God comes in, He fills the gaps. He Will Be A….

4.       I cannot give out of what I do not have. Being a mother at 28 was scary, I was almost out of my 20’s and I was still trying to figure me out. Now I have to do that AND be responsible for a new life? How does that work. I have so many broken pieces in me, how can I give to my daughter, I need to be fixed, healed, put together. Lesson: it is out of our pain and brokenness that we are built stronger, wiser, and more compassionate. I am learning about Surrender. Surrender to the process, Surrender of my Will, Surrender of what my life is now, and even though it is not easy every day I am realizing, every day when I put down something I feel lighter, more clear, and more focused.

5.       I don’t believe in Me. I have a bad habit of looking around instead of looking within. I learned that this week. I always said I don’t like kids, I cannot relate to kids; I would never be a mother. Now that I am a mother, I am forced to change my own perceptions of myself. Lesson: the very thing you are afraid of WILL HAPPEN, so understand that YOU can do ALL THINGS through Christ who gives you strength, and if you do not have Christ, let’s talk J

I hope this story encouraged someone, inspired a single mother to continue on and be the best Woman you can be so that you can be the Best Mother you can be. There is NOTHING wrong with feeling inadequate, alone, anxious, afraid, angry, Feel those things, It Happens! The best thing is to not STAY in those feelings. It won’t help you and it won’t help your child. I know it’s hard; it can be frustrating and the transitioning from Single Woman to Single Mother but know you are  not on this journey alone! I encourage you to comment and even share your story!

Until Next Time,

Signed One SXSI Lady

 

Heal to Love for Real: My Thoughts on Real Love and LHHNY

 

Everyone I know watches the “Ratchet TV” Love and Hip Hop New York. I used to think that the show was really silly yet entertaining but I started to watch it from a different eye. On Sunday night I watched the Reunion part 1 and I was literally hurting for the women that I saw on the stage, I also hurt for the men who took advantage of the women because of their lack of love and healing in themselves.

After watching the reunion I went back to catch up on the story line and to view what I missed out on. I was truly saddened and slightly disturbed by what I saw. Women older and younger, loving men who couldn’t love them enough to heal them but continued to either stay with them or go back and forth with them not realizing they were digging the wound deeper and making it next to impossible to be healed properly. The one character I truly felt for was Erica Mena. People can say what they choose about her but this was my observation. Here is a young woman, mother, trying to make a name for herself in the world but carrying around the baggage of abandonment, hurt, pain, abuse, and all wrapped up in the desire to be loved. Then you have Rich who is a man who deals with the inability to love truly because he has his own issues with self and accomplishment from a male perspective so he sees Ms. Mena as someone who needs and is looking for that love, attention, and the “daddy issues” gives it to her with a long handed spoon, doesn’t make much sense does it? This cycle of back and forth of “love” was birthed out of one person looking for something that they themselves are incapable of giving but took advantage of a situation of a person who cannot recognize what real, true authentic love looks like, but recognizes the mirages of what your first love of a Father is supposed to give but becomes tainted in sex, lies and deceit because the foundation is lust and selfishness.

 Now you have “Love “ in dysfunction in two people who are desperate for healing but do not have the tools to love for real nor have they taken the time to truly dig through the pain  within themselves to be able to give and receive love genuinely. So what you have are two people acting out their wounded hearts onto each other.  It saddens me to see this happen because there are so many people, mainly young women in this world that are walking around with wounded hearts and broken pieces and they are in relationships that are not conducive to their condition so they end up hurting themselves as well as the other person in a cycle that never ends, and what’s worse is they go from relationship to relationship building on the hurt and continuously infecting each other and never taking the time to heal.  

Love is the purest condition of the heart that when used and given in the right way is the best medicine for a broken, hurt and bruised heart. Love is a word we use and throw around for many reasons but a few of the main reasons are to get attention from someone we may be connected to, to express our gratitude to someone and genuine care for another person, or we say it because it is something to be said during special occasions or worse to get what we want, which then makes it selfish and love is definitely not selfish. I think what people are missing is that love is not just an emotion, it is action. Love is not just something you Give or Say it is something you Do and Are. The perfect example of love is summed up in these words: Love is: Patient, Kind, Does not Envy, Does not Boast, Is not Proud, Not Rude, Not Selfish, Not Easily Angered, Keeps no record of Wrongs, Does not delight in Evil, Always Rejoices in Truth, Always Protects, Always Trusts and Always Perseveres, and Never Fails.

If we truly lived out love in this way, many hearts will heal and be not easily broken. Now do not get me wrong, love can disappoint and hurt but it is not out of selfishness. We are human beings and are prone to error but we can choose to not do something or say something or take advantage if love is really there.

My point: True Love is a healing agent and when used properly in taking the time to love on yourself first  and apply it to the broken and shattered parts of yourself, you will find that it will be easier for you to recognize real love (as I type this right now Mary J. Is bumping in the back ground, “Real Love” from the ‘What’s the 411' album, ironic) and give genuine love from a pure place not out of hurt and pain. By ignoring your hurts and pains and then piling on new issues, new hurts and counterfeit “love” on top of what is already damaged and in need of repair, you will soon realize there is more chaos and unauthentic love breeding and causing more interior damage which leads to destruction for all parties involved.

When Real Love comes into play it immediately recognizes the hurts and sees the vulnerability as either an opportunity  to walk away for that person to be healed and be whole completely or they will put on the gloves to help to heal instead of taking advantage and adding to the already broken heart.  So In the cases of Erica Mena and Rich, Tahiry and Joe Budden, Amina, Tara and Peter Gunz, they are all broken people who need to be healed completely from the inside out. The beauty about love is that if its for you it will come around to you again and when its true love  it covers you and comforts you in good and bad experiences. My prayer is that they recognize it and get what they need before connecting to another broken heart. To the women of the LHHNY, I am sure they know they are valuable but it is one thing to know it, and another to live like it. Making choices that match how you really think of yourself. Most of them are mothers and we (I am mother as well and I am walking in this experience as well) must live the way we desire for our children to live, be and feel about themselves.

For the men of LHHNY: love is not just an emotion, it is action. As a man and what I have learned and continue to experience, do not just say you love a woman and you are not willing to protect her and provide for her not just physical needs. Love is NOT sex, intimacy is deeper than being naked without clothing. Men take this time to really understand what a man is and how love operates in you, for yourself. Take ownership of love lost in your life and see how that plays out in your actions and treatment of women as a Grown man in age. Recognize there are parts of you that are wounded and if you desire to truly love a woman who is “down for you”, get “down” with yourself and learn what it means to love you first, nurture that little boy, young man and then you can experience love like you have never known it before.

Love is what Love Does, and that is Truth. Healing is the first step to experience Authentic Love for Real.

Stay SXSI, Live SXSI, Be SXSI

Takima

The Power of Sisterhood, Service and Giving

I had the amazing opportunity to serve, to give and to Influence power in NYC's most powerful young women through Gnep's 6th annual Teen Summit on March 16, 2013. I had been introduced to Akua Sodawa the Founder and Executive Director of The Gye Nyame Empowerment Project and Lets Pursue You Company. I literally was connected to her 4 weeks before the summit and had been attending their planning meetings and was lending support anyway that I could. The week of the summit during the last planning meeting it was discussed that they had met and exceeded the number of young women that would take advantage of what the teen summit would offer. To meet the demand more workshops had to be added to accomadate the growing number of particpants. Internally I knew that I would love the opportunity to lead a workshop to lend my gifts, talents and abilities but I surrendered to be used as a vessel in whatever capacity was needed the day of the event. Right before I was to head out after the discussion, I asked what area needed the most help just so I knew how best to serve. In that moment, I saw passion meet purpose and again I "showed up"for it.  I was added to the schedule and the event as one of the additional workshop leaders they needed! I was more then happy, thrilled or excited. I felt a great sense of gratefulness and humility. God had divinely set up this moment in His time for me to be able to contribute to such a great movement of influencing the generation that is coming after us. What a honor it was. The charge I had was leading a workshop talking about forgiveness. God has no subtly, I laugh because last year this time, I struggled with forgiving my birth mother for abandoning me and being on drugs. Being that I had just had a daughter of my own, it had become extremely difficult for me to allow her to have a relationship with my daughter because I felt she neglected to have a relationship with me, so how dare she want to love my daughter more then I felt she loved me? Going through that process of forgiveness and  understanding the process I went through last year when it came to this particular subject and me having to facilitate a conversation with young women about it was God showing me that what I go through is Never for me but for the benefit of the audience that He has entrusted me to inspire, which is young women.

These are the elements of Sisterhood I learned that day:


Sisterhood Takes A Village 
When I went up to the room where I was assigned to conduct my workshop, I took the time to prepare for the young ladies and in the process, I could not help but give God the glory and Praise. When I was done I felt the nerves stirring up but I relaxed and let God be God in me.  Just as I was finishing up preparing, another workshop facilitator came in for a workshop as well. She had the same topic as me and was leading her workshop earlier then me. I then was told by the organizer to change rooms since the girls that were coming to the room would be in that room all day. So I packed all my things and went to another room where another workshop facilitator was leading her workshop. I was told to be a support to her and to just observe the climate of the workshop and to get an assessment of how workshops are facilitated for this particular venue. This worked out perfectly for me because it turned into a teaching moment. I was thrilled! I sat in and even participated in the workshop, which was great. When it was my turn to faciltate my workshop I was changed to yet another room however the woman whom I assisted came to support me! How amazing was that? With all the changes that needed to take place, it went seemless because we all took the time to support one another and lived out the saying that "it takes a village to raise a child", in this case sisterhood was a village of support and encouragement, and that was needed in various circumstances and situations.


 Sisterhood Is Healing 
While I sat in the workshop with my Fabulous Andrea the girls she had came with so much baggage and pain. You could not see it on their beautiful faces but as they shared their stories of forgiveness and unforgiveness that they carried in their hearts. Through the exercises they were able to release and let go of some of those things. When I facilitated my workshop one girl revealed a very violent act made by a family member and she felt like she could never forgive them. At that moment when she revealed that, I could see that a door was unlocked and that although she felt like she could not forgive them now, she opened the door for the possiblity for forgiveness to come in and that is the beginning of healing. I even had my moment for release of healing when I co-facilitated The Power of Sisterhood I cried in the arms of one of the elders who talked about being adopted and thanking her birth mother for giving her up because her life has been amazing and to share that with others is a blessing. I connected with that and I released that same feeling I had. So for that , I felt Sisterhood is Healing.


  Sisterhood Is Love and Power 
As I walked through the halls of the venue and I had my ears tuned into what the young women were saying as I passed. Some expressed how tired they were but the majority of them were glad they were there and they talked about how they felt like it was changing them. I went into the auditorium to listen to the keynote address that would be given by Misty Copeland, one of the few African American Ballerinas in the American Ballet company. Before the keynote address the girls had the opportunity to share what they had learned so far. I was so encouraged to hear that the girls were inspired to inspire each other, that was a powerful revelation. Some also shared their experience and got emotional. Listening to them I could not help but feel the love and appreciation they felt from the day and for the facilitators and leaders they had already encountered. We were there to serve them, but at that point they were serving us. There was an activity we did for the power of sisterhood and we stood face to face with one another and shared something we were stuggling with. I had a young woman who shared some advice with me that was truly helpful with what I was struggling with. I was so appreciative of what she offered. That showed that the power we were giving to them they were already giving back! To top that off which I believe was the most magical and powerful part of the day was when a group of young boys saw all of us and were inspired by the energy that the young ladies exhibited.  They wrote wishes for the young women to continue to be the light they saw radiating through them and the women. I was so touched and overwhelmed with the confidence and the recognition they gave to the girls and women, and it really showed that as young men they indeed had the ability to recognize the beauty on the inside of those lovely young women. It also showed that these young men saw these young women for who they are in the inside and not the outside, which was amazing. I believe that was a boost of confidence to the young women that as long as they continue the work, the inner work on themselves others will notice them from the inside out. Those young men and the inspiration of the young women was not only inspiring it showed the true essence of love and power of the day.


  Sisterhood Is Connection 
Throughout the day I was able to meet, connect and reconnect with people I had not known and some that I have not seen in years. One of the women I met was the woman I facilitated with . She has a charm school for young women and she offered that we do some work together. I also reconnected with a high school classmate who is interested in doing work with young women as well. Even sitting in the audience and enjoying the keynote address from Misty Copeland, The Rhyme Like a Girl women, the founder of Black Girls Rock , it was powerful to see all these amazing black womem come together and share with each other amd lend their talents gifts and abilities was just remarkable. I also met the young woman, Zewiditu Jewel who started the "A Tea Takeover"and started a movement of girls and women who wanted to make change within fashion and activism. I met some of the facilitators who are doing great things in the city and in the world. I was inspired and felt completely blessed to be in the space with such women and to now have a connection with them. Without being connected to Akua, I would not have had the opportunity to be connected with these women.

Everything is relative and you have to be ready for when opportunity comes but more importantly you must know that everything has a divine order to it. The power of connecting with other women with like minds charges the atmosphere amd produces greatness. That is the true depiction of this years summit. Overall, the summit exceeded what I thought it would be. More importantly it was the start of my life In and On Purpose. I want to take an opportunity to showcase some of the phenomenal women I met:

 Akua Sodawa Founder of Gye Nyame Empowerment Project : www.empowermegnep.org

Zewiditu Jewel Founder of A Tea Takeover : www.ateatakeover.wix.com

 Raeven Western Founder of Pushy Dreamers:www.pushydreamers.com

 To get full details of the day check out Gnep's website and be sure to follow them on Twitter @EmpowerMeGNEP

 I hope you all enjoyed the blog and the inspiration of the experience I had in interacting with the women that I met. Dont forget to like and follow My blog and follow me on Twitter at @InSXSIouT and , check out my website www.TakimaHowze.weebly.com. I will chat with you soon in the week as I continue to be SXSI in the City!

  Signed One SXSI Lady

The "A&TT" Connection: A Right Relationship at the Wrong Time

A few years ago I met a guy that I thought was The Guy for me. We both had a passion for the same things, we both at the time worked in he same field, we both worshiped at the SAME church, I was like LORD THIS IS MY BOAZ!!! I was so overzealous in my mind, I was planning the wedding, inviting guests, and at the time I had 2 conversations with him, SMH... I KNOW I AM NOT ALONE HERE LADIES! :) In getting to know him, I was on one page and he was on another. I began to see that he was so controlled and structured and I was more care-free and in some ways he balanced me out. What I did not see however was my "desperate" need and want to be in a relationship, that I did not realize that I was not looking at the issues I was bringing onto myself, and then not taking into consideration the issues that he had as well. In a lot we became each other's distraction of not dealing with the things that were pressing in our lives. Because of that we conflicted on a lot things, struggled in communication and were on total opposite ends of the book. I wanted a relationship but I was broken, he could have wanted a relationship but he was not ready for that because of things he was dealing with internally. What began to happen was our issues played out in our behaviors and it became toxic and negative. I remember one particular event when were at a place and we began to argue. The argument got so intense that we both were insulting and hurtful to one another. I remember being home after and crying about it. I felt like he was the worst man in the world and how the Hell could I have wanted to be in a relationship with someone so controlling and not willing to deal with his crap but always pointing out my stuff. It was then when I heard God saying to be, "What about your issues and Your demands?". I sat up and was said "what"? What God began to show me is that I not only was demanding something of him he was clearly not ready for, but wanted to be prepared for (I messed that up... so I thought) but I was being extremely selfish because I wanted something from him that he could not give me at that time because it was God's job to heal my broken places and a relationship with him would just be a bandaid and if it had progressed to marriage it would have been completely miserable, two broken individuals cannot make a whole, no matter how many of both pieces you put together. Fast Forward to the present, we reconnected after not speaking to each other for almost two years. Within those two years, he had dated other people, so had I. I actually had a baby within those years(but thats another blog :) However in reconnecting, we again found ourselves in the same situation, at the same time, with the same goals, same passions BUT with a different mindset and healed heart. Time apart had allowed us to get with who really could "fix" us and change us from the inside out. We relate better, understand one another better and have a deeper respect for one another. You can truly see the transformation that has taken place because we each took the time to work on ourselves. We both took that break to understand what our needs Really were, took them to the one who provides ALL our needs and was able to come back to one another in a more peaceful and communal way. I appreciate that we both have something to give and that we connect on a level that could not be attained before. Our passions match and we can help each other stay accountable to each other, Our Mission and Service to God. Lesson Learned: Relationships-Friendships are often tricky. YOU have to take the time to look at the purpose of the connection and act accordingly. Sometimes what you have for someone, they are not able to receive it right then and there. Sometimes the connection is not about romance, its about the gift of learning, understanding or just having that person take you to the next level of yourself or pushing you in the Fire to be "Refined" a little more. Thats what I learned. At the time we met, my heart and mind was not in the right place. I wanted the wrong thing for the Right relationship. He was not meant for me in that capacity, and at that time especially that was not his purpose. What I did get from him was he taught me how important it is to know YOU before you connect to anyone else. Its important to fill in your gaps, and voids before you connect with anyone else. Now I understand that relationships are give and take. I have something I can give to him without an ulterior motive, or preconceived thoughts and he is able to give to me what I need for this season in my life. I am grateful to have him, especially at this particular time. I understand that this could not have happened before and God was gracious enough to clean us both and then to put us back into the same pond to find each other to swim together again. When you know who you are and what you have to give you can recognize those who are meant to be in your life and why. Dont mistake a lesson that has to be taught for a relationship out of selfish want, I guarantee you will miss out on the bigger blessing. BeInspired, Be Blessed Signed- One SXSI Lady

I am not the Only One.. Am I ?

Today had to be the most challenging and frustrating day of my single motherhood life. My daughter who is now 17 months has decided it is time to start her “terrible two” behavior early. She has the break outs of screaming, tensing her body, yelling at the top of her lungs, hitting herself or me if she is close and sometimes throwing herself on the floor. One of the most difficult things about dealing with this type of behavior is feeling like you have to justify or explain your child's behavior, especially if you are in the midst of family, friends or worst in a public place among strangers. It makes me feel so, not just annoyed but helpless and angry because people are looking at me, asking me questions that cannot be answered because there is no answer! It kind of makes me feel so betrayed by my child who I feel, seems to do this when we are among people who are not normally with us or because we are in public and she decides she wants to put on a show for everyone. Today in particular, I wanted to cry. We were literally on the train and I had to give her everything from juice, candy, my lip-gloss, a toy just so that she would not scream and holler. We were halfway home and we were doing good, then she wanted my soda. I told her no, She Went Off! She screamed and stretched and hollered and screamed All The Way to our stop. At that point, people were shifting in their seats, looking at me, looking at her then looking at me. I knew she didnt want anything, I knew that she was fine, she was not hurt, she just wanted her way. Even though I knew all the facts of the situation, and everything in me wanted to spank her and scream at her to Shut Up, because I was so embarrassed and I couldn't do anything to calm her down.I just prayed that my stop would hurry up and come to get out of there. I did not want to defend my case because there was literally nothing to defend. Having people look and speculate was hurtful enough and I wanted to cry so badly. Lesson Learned: I truly thank God for His peace, His Love and His Grace towards me because I believe and know that I would not have been able to make it through that train ride without actually losing it. I know I am a person in general who cannot tolerate noise or being embarrassed and even though it is a child, my child I felt like I just wanted to give up. At that moment, I wanted to just walk away and I could understand why some people just walk away from their children. I believe the lesson in this and what my daughter has been commissioned to teach me is the importance of exhibiting peace and calm from the inside and having it come out. Also that the behavior that is being played out by her is coming from a place beyond just screaming, yelling and stomping her feet, there is a bigger meaning and reason for her behavior. Maybe she has something to say that she cannot express or maybe she wants to express how upset she is that I said no, or wants to ask why or wants my total attention I am not giving her. Whatever the reason, I am learning to not react just because it is something I don't like. I also am learning that everything does not need an explanation. Everyone will not understand what is happening, why you may not react or do things a certain way, and it is your prerogative to do what you want with your child. I know my child, I am learning her behavior patterns as she grows, and I am understanding how as her parent to handle them, no one needs an explanation, and other's opinions does not have to matter. Its going to be a long journey as a Mother. I hope my antics, my raves, my triumphs, challenges through my stories will serve as an inspiration and hopefully I can get some advice, tips and Positive comments :) My life is a testimony and I intend to share it to inspire those who may feel like, “ I am not the only one... Am I?” ----BeInspired – Signed The SXSI Single Mommy

Another Level

When creating SXSI, I didn't really realize what that would entail for me. I mean I thought that I would just be this young girl trying to inspire other young women and girls to live a life that they could be proud of. I had my idea of what that would look like, what it would entail and all of that, but then my life took another turn that I NEVER expected but had an idea might happen…
I will share more deets of that as this blog progresses but I want to just say this. No matter what people say, your dream is your dream. With that, many times when your dreams are yours, they take on a personality and they come out of the life you are already living. Don't let ANYONE make you believe that you can be and do what you dreamed because your life "doesn't line up". That's BS! Your life is a reflection of your dream, its you do with your life and how you go about accomplishing your dream is what will impact people and reach people.
With SXSI, it has been an experience and I have been challenged, exposed and caught up more than I EVER had before. I had this idea to minister and talk to young women, and stay celibate and I fell, HARD. Feeling like who am I to even tell anyone anything, I am not even worth it because I am not doing it myself, so who am I to tell anyone anything? This is what I said and in the process of doing the things I was and getting caught up and feeling sorry and guilty and playing the victim, I had the knife in my own had killing the dream I was ready to accomplish. Yes Me I am the Dream the Killer, You are the Dream Killer to your Own Dream! Life and its circumstances, makes the dream more worthwhile to keep at it and work harder and makes the message stronger and more substance. I didn't see it as that until; I had the "haters" and "naysayers". People have asked me, "so what about SXSI now?" how can you talk to young women and this is what you're into, this is what you doing? SXSI? How are you SXSI now? How can you talk like that? All of it I heard and when I say I was shot to the heart and telling myself, I failed Miserably! That's how I felt and some days I still feel that way? Thinking how can I tell a young girl she means something and she doesn't have to take off her clothes to prove it, or how can I tell a young woman that even though she's never experienced love from a father in her life that she doesn't need a man to validate her, and I am feeling that way?
I am being really transparent because I still did it, not seeing the root, not realizing that the issues, abuse, torment and pain I experienced as a child I outwardly acted them out in my adult life. I didn't see it but I played it out. Feeling the pressure of these same young women looking up to me and then watching me fall and then saying, who do I have now. Another shot to the heart. I am not perfect ya'll I don't pretend to be. I just want to be SXSI just like you. Trying to live a life that I see myself living but looking at it with impossibility to even reach. Yes me. But every day, I am telling myself that TAKIMA, you are STILL SXSI no matter what happens and it just broadens the audience that you have to reach. You have to be In It to Speak on It! I ask myself, and God, why you chose me for this. There is so much ridicule and judgment that goes along with this, this don't feel good at all… But I feel like He says, if not you then who? I have plans to prosper you and not to harm you, Plans to give you a hope and a future.
At this point, I have No Other Choice than to trust that my Choice that He knew about before I did, has a purpose….
Still SXSI